Wednesday, September 3, 2014

insecurity.

So yesterday night Sathis suddenly WhatsApp-ed me after forever. We chatted about how we missed high school days and he asked whether there were any chicks in Nottingham to introduce him. HAHAHA. I said most definitely, but asked: "Cantik je, tapi personality?" And he said personality wise too, just like me. So I just started to deny that fact strongly, and thus the topic of insecurity came up. Now just to get things straight, we talk about shit like this all the time cause he tends to think into things and human thoughts a lot. He's into all that deep stuff. 

So I told him about how I thought about my good and bad traits after uni started. I told him that I don't have anything. Then he just came up with an answer: "Hey. You're an extrovert, you can start a conversation with anyone, you're also simplistic. Its just that you don't know it yet." Heck. If I were to be able to whip up a conversation with everyone so easily, I wouldn't feel so left out in the first place. Then I just told him that it might be because I'm too attached to the people in the past. Their personalities and habits, all of those things were what influenced me into who I am today. I've been partially influenced by my besties to just not give a fuck about what people think, and just do what I like to do. I can say, compared to back then before I met her, I was 100% always aware of how people think of me, or even be afraid of them not wanting to talk to me. Right now I guess 50% of that is gone. And I am grateful for that. So right now, I can only feel at ease with people with the same kind of friends I've made back in high school. However, its just so hard to find someone similar to them. Its just plain hard to get what everyone's talking about. Every time I hear a conversation, gossip or even a joke  between the Business students, I would either not understand who they're talking about, or just not find it funny most of the time and just laugh it off with a ha-ha-ha-laugh (I'm so sorry). But on the other hand, I can just laugh EVERYDAY with these particular girls. Heck right now I think I know more gossip about Science class than Business class.

Okay.
Back to the conversation with Sathis.
The conversation slowly moved on to me not trying things. For example, there's so many perfectly fine pool tables for me to try, but I just refuse to try and learn how to play. Is it just my nature? If so my nature just sucks CRAP. I think partially its because I'm afraid of being judged. I've been judged my whole life. Form 1 and 2, I was judged of my looks and thus the cyber bullying. Form 3 I started being with different types of people, so there wasn't much judgement. Form 4, we were all forced to play sports. So okay. I'll try. Result: I ended dragging my team down. I got the death glare from my captain. Well I am sorry for having such crappy hand-eye coordination. 

Then a lot of shit went through the convo and he just concluded with this: 
"You're insecure."

Spot on.

Well now I'm grateful to have people like Tish cause he just cheers you up a little by saying the most trivial things (whether he means it or not HAHAHA) 
This is one thing he always says to me: "Sab, you're like Katniss." 
Heck I don't even remember how many years its been since he started telling me this. Until this very day I still don't get why he says that I'm like Katniss. I never get why am I referred as her. So I just ended the conversation telling him I wanted to sleep cause I was really tired about all that negative talk.

This insecurity is most definitely killing me every now and then.

But still thanks for talking to me Hangus.


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