futile.

Sometimes I believe that I'll just end up being a useless piece of shit. I mean just think about it. I used to love drawing, but I slowly gave up on it. Cause no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get any better. Now I hardly even draw anything. Yeah maybe just some doodles that I draw over and over again on my class notes. Thats all. I just don't have anything else, besides my obsession over anime and manga. I don't have any particular goals or interest which makes things so hard for me. I'm not good at anything and I'm picky and wimpy at doing so many things. You ask me to play video games with you? I'll lose within minutes or kill my own teammates. Want me to play a song for you? I can only play the simple version of Ballad Pour Adeline halfway for you cause thats all I can remember by memory. Want me to speak Japanese/Cantonese/Hokkien with you? I only know a little. Want me to draw? I can only draw with a reference. And most of the time it still ends up looking like shit. Want me to sing? I like to sing but I can't sing well. I have a rather nasal voice. Want me to join sports? I'll just end up dragging you down and losing a match. Trust me. I've been there once. I got the death glare from the captain. And I don't think I'll ever do it again. Or maybe you try to convince me to try out something new, but I'm afraid or shy to do it.
 Usually it just ends up you,
giving up on me.

Hobbies or interests aside, my personality. I still remember some time around January, we were all gathered at a friend's house and had a little chat late at night. We were all seated in a circle, and discussed about each and every one of our flaws and qualities. All of us straight up voiced up their opinions on each of us. Until it was my turn. No one said anything. Then they just said: "You're just neither good nor bad. You don't particularly have a bad personality, but you don't have any good qualities either." That was when it hit me. Even I myself couldn't find anything good about myself too. Right now I just recalled something that happened in 2011. We were all at Genting, playing all day long having fun. When it came to sleeping, the girls started talking about our flaws too. The same thing happened. They just couldn't point out even one flaw of mine. Is it because I don't open up myself to others? I can't possibly be flawless. If I were to be flawless I wouldn't have to go through so many bad experiences in life. So the other day with so much though on my mind, I asked my mum about what were my good qualities. 

She gave me one. "You're a very kind person."

And I thought: "What good use am I in near future just because I'm kind? Can I get a good job just because I'm kind? Rather than that, I think I'd just be bullied by others in work because I'm too soft. If the only good quality of mine was to be kind, I think the only contribution I can give in this world is to increase the population of ants cause I seriously don't like killing / seeing others kill ants."

Grades. Ah. My arch nemesis. Ever since I was 9, my grades just started to drop drastically. I still remember clearly my most embarrassing moment in primary school. Our teacher asked us to line up according to our own placing in class. I was 3rd last. I couldn't even lift my head up. So what if I was the only 3 students who got an A in UPSR for BM Paper 1 in class? So what if I always had the highest score in class for English? There are so many more people who has a stronger base in English than me. Even in highschool. All I did was disappoint my parents. My grades in Form 2 was so bad to the point I had to stop piano lessons and go for tuition classes 7 days a week. In the end, I still got crappy results for PMR. Don't even get to me for SPM. I only got barely acceptable results (in the eyes of Asian parents) only thanks to EST. Otherwise the end result would just be the same as PMR. When it comes to Uni, I was seriously much more determined than I was in highschool. I studied and revised nearly everyday, I do a lot of practices for my modules, I stayed up till 12 or 1 in the morning (which I never used to in highschool) and so many more. Even my dad told me that he could see that I really changed ever since Uni started. But what I get in the end? Still crappy results. At first I was at least happy with one of my modules, until I knew about my friends' marks. I immediately felt really upset about my marks. I know I'm not supposed to compare with others but still. Things like that just bring me down. I swear that I knew how to answer all the questions in some of the modules I took. In the end, all I got was just not pretty to the eyes. I feel that ever since I got into university, I feel so out of place. Everyone is out of my league. Every one of the has something they are good at. Even if they aren't academically smart, they might me just some know-it-all about society, politics or life. One studied in a private Chinese highschool so her level of maths is at engineering level, the other has a vast knowledge on vocabulary, and heck the other has good management/leadership skills.

What am I to do?

Am I not trying hard enough?

Voicing out my opinions. This is something I realised quite some time ago in highschool. No one EVER. Seems to hear out what I have to say, or take my opinion into account. Are my opinions that weak or useless to even let you consider? Or is it just me with lame ideas which I think are brilliant or at least considerable? I think I'm just trapped in a vortex which I am just surrounded by ignorance when it comes to group assignments or projects. I'm not trying to act like a leader at this point, but at least I hope that I have enough convincing skills infused in me. Is it something born into someone? Or is it something I need to work it out? I still remember when there was the announcement of a school trip to Japan. It was our only opportunity at that time for all of us friends to go on a trip overseas. I immediately told Ichigo about the trip and she kept hesitating about going on the trip. I told her the benefits and how its a once in a lifetime opportunity on and on and on. It took me nearly the whole day trying to convince her to come on this trip with me. Soon during that night, AnnSen just called me up and told me that he managed to convince her into going to Japan within 10 minutes. 

I was like: "What?"

How is it even possible for that to happen when he merely just repeated the things that I used to convince her, in just 10 minutes? Is that some sort of powers I suppose? Does it even make sense?

Anti social.  Me being anti social is pretty well know to myself. I'm so awkward with human beings. Yeah I might be the wildest and loudest one when you get to know me, but that just applies to pretty much anyone. I just don't know how to click if you know what I mean. I don't know how to be the piece to fit in the puzzle. No I don't want to change who I am just to fit in a bunch of people whom I assume that I will be only seeing them only a year (or maybe more). I don't want others telling me "Oh you've changed. You seem to be a different person now from when I became friends with you." Maybe I'm just so stuck in the past, sticking with the same bunch of people with the attitude and personality I have, but its just so hard to find someone like that. If I were to walk right up to you this moment, I'd probably leave the conversation hanging awkwardly within 10 minutes, just because I don't know what to say. Which brings another huge problem. I am currently studying Foundation and Business, and obviously communication and socialisation is crucial in business. How am I supposed to survive in this vast sea without good communication skills? I am constantly lectured by my mum about how I am not able to survive society when I grow up if I weren't able to communicate well. Damn.

Health. I haven't been sleeping well ever since university. Sleeping at unusual hours like 2 in the morning. This might be a normal time for a lot of people, but not for me. I used to sleep at 10:30 or 11. I've been eating at canteens or outside food for lunch, and even though we cook for dinner sometimes, there's definitely something unhealthy inside like luncheon meat. I've yet to see any movements on my scale ever since uni started, but its obvious that my figure has changed. My face is a lot bigger and my bed is attracting me like a magnet. So far during this 1 month holiday, I've only worked out 3-5 times. All the unhealthy food keeps seducing me, and since I can drive now, I tend to get lazy to cook my meals and instead I drive out to look for food. My hair fall problem is getting worse by the day and I also think its because of health reasons.

My facial expression. I've been told by so many people that I look scary, or I gave them a bad first impression. Even one of my closest highschool friends still think that I look kinda scary until this very day. I don't know is it because God is playing Sims 3 and he tried to make the corners of my mouth sink down so that I look pissed and arrogant all the time when I have a relaxed face. Yes. My relaxed face looks like as if the whole world has offended me. People have told me that I look extremely unapproachable or angry. Jas even once told me that she realised that I actually glare at people. In all seriousness, I didn't even know that I glare at people. I think it just happens naturally to me?

At this point I don't think anyone can save me from all this madness.

Even if there were to be someone like that, I'm pretty sure they'll give up on me sooner or later because that's what actually happened.